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Affair Recovery

Are you currently in a marriage crisis? Marriage is difficult because it contains two imperfect people. If you are reaching out for help you have come to the right place.

One of the most painful revelations is that your spouse or significant other has been involved with another person. The experience of getting found out is traumatic for everyone involved. Once what has happened comes out in the open everything changes. Many report a reduction of stress no longer having to keep the secret. Unfortunately that stress is transferred directly to the offended spouse.

Recovering from an affair is fraught with a multiplicity of landmines. As an addiction, an affair is a clinical issue. In addiction, the offended spouse is may stricken with anxiety, depression or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. It is really important to get professional help to work through these issues. Many couples make it through the affair but they live their lives shackled to the hurt and mistrust that arose from the affair throughout the rest of their marriage. An affair is an opportunity to address all of the issues individually and relationally that led to the affair in the first place. It is an opportunity for change.

If you want to save your marriage and have a better marriage, and be better people – schedule a phone consultation today.

How the Program Works

Most people are a little apprehensive about beginning therapy. Those who have had an affair or are engaged in sexual acting out behaviors find it particularly difficult to open up about what they have done. There is a lot of shame, embarrassment and pride standing in the way of admitting to others the wrongs committed. But most of my clients realize after their first session that therapy isn’t bad at all. They even come to a point of enjoying group – when they thought they never would.

The affair recovery process doesn’t come with a particular time frame. Couples and individuals are in the program as long as they need to be until they have reached their goals. Those who have diagnosed disorders and addictions may stay in therapy longer than others. The treatment program includes weekly individual, couple and group sessions. There is homework and assignments. You get out of this what you put in.

Couples are admitted in the program who have dealt with emotional and sexual affairs, pornography and sexting, or whenever there has been a serious erosion of trust as a result of infidelity. Substance abuse and other addictions are also addressed in this program. This program helps individuals restore their dignity and couples preserve their relationship. Sexual deviance is very difficult to overcome in marital relationships because just as difficult it is for the one acting out sexually to stop it is difficult for the hurt spouse to forgive and regain trust. Treatment is essential to navigate the difficult terrain of recovering together. Many couples survive sexual deviance but never restore their relationship. It is possible to have a vibrant and fulfilling marriage post affair with proper treatment.

Maintaining a healthy sexual relationship in marriage is no small task. Marriage requires the ability to negotiate and compromise. It requires personal growth. So many are unprepared for the rigors of marriage and find themselves seeking out others to meet their companionship and sexual needs. Simply learning the essentials of communication and conflict resolution would tremendously reduce the numbers of extramarital affairs and decrease relationship breakups.

The Types of Affairs

There are 11 different types of affairs. It is important to know which type of affair you are having to ensure you are treating it properly.

  1. The Conflict Avoidance Affair
  2. Intimacy Avoidance Affair
  3. Individual Stage Affair
  4. Sexual Addiction Affairs
  5. Accidental-Brief Affairs
  6. Philandering & Other Individual Tendencies
  7. Retribution Affairs
  8. Bad Marriage Affairs
  9. Exit Affairs
  10. Parallel Lives Affairs
  11. Online Affairs

Click here if you would like a full description of these types of affairs and how likely it is to survive them.

Phases of Affair Recovery

I’ve discovered 10 phases of affair recovery that couples move through to successfully recover.

Phase 1: Secrecy
Phase 2: Discovery & Disclosure
Phase 3: Reaction & Crisis
Phase 4: Understanding & Clarity
Phase 5: Apology & Grieving
Phase 6: Forgiving & Healing
Phase 7: Hoping
Phase 8: Cooperation & Reconnecting
Phase 9: Rebuilding (Trust & Addiction Recovery)
Phase 10: Intimacy

Can Joe Help Us?

It is important to select a therapist you feel comfortable talking to who has experience helping couples work through affairs and other marital challenges. You will be able to find that comfort in me. I can work with couples with any type of affair. Learn more about me here.

Couples have two different options when seeking treatment from me. They can see me on an hour by hour basis in one-on-one or couple’s therapy in my office. Or they can enroll in my Affair Recovery Program attending four of my weekend marriage retreats over the course of a year. You must determine which approach is the right fit for you. Many couples are too busy to devote 2 to 3 hours each week in individual, couple and group therapy. This Affair Recovery Program is a right fit for you if you meet the following criteria:

  • Both of you are committed to working on your marriage
  • Both of you are open to traditional Christian values (You don’t have to be a Christian)
  • The husband has broken the wife’s trust and is willing to enter addiction recovery therapy if indicated
  • The wife has issued an ultimatum to the husband to discontinue the destructive behaviors or end the marriage
  • Both of you are open to at least a year in therapy (Affair recovery is a marathon not a sprint)
  • Both can commit to either model of treatment
  • Both are committed to getting their undivided attention time in doing assignments, practicing what is learned in therapy and going on dates

My Approach to Affairs and Infidelity

I see affairs from the family systems perspective. The family systems perspective sees affairs as embedded in the dynamics of the couple along with the multiple relationships, experiences, individuality and history of each partner. Family systems studies the multiple factors contributing to the affair including the couple’s communication patterns, individual psycho-emotional development, moral and spiritual formation and cultural influences. The way a couple communicates is the most essential element to be understood and improved to recover from an affair and ultimately strengthen the marriage. Most frequently I use a combination of Solution Focused Therapy with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to discover the central purpose of the affair, assess the condition of the marital relationship prior to the affair and lead the couple to sort through their many and varied conflicting emotions and successfully reach their goals following the affair. I use the 12 Step model to address the addiction recovery issues.

What My Program Includes

  • Non-judgmental and Positive Therapy
  • Subjective and Objective Assessment
  • Psycho-educational opportunities to enhance learning and facilitate change

In the Lifestyle Affair Recovery Program, couples work through these phases utilizing the tools of assessment, marriage therapy, individual therapy and group therapy. This program utilizes Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy, Motivational Interviewing, Group Therapy and the 12 Step approach to recovery. Change occurs with personal development and interpersonal skill development. Both individuals have a lot of work to do on themselves and their relationship. Couples work through the phases with the other couples in their cohort. The shared community enhances the possibility of positive change in each couple.

Program Process
Each couple works through these phases in their own time frame. It generally requires 12 months to navigate through these phases. The objective of this program is to assist the couple in progressing through each stage successfully. The progress through these phases is not always in a straight line as many times couples drop back to revisit a previous phase. Without intervention, it is very unlikely a couple will successfully navigate through these phases alone. This program helps couples avoid the crippling affect of an affair. Many couples are stuck in a particular phase for years prior to seeking help. Many times recovery requires restarting from Phase 2. When a previous affair from many years before is discovered, couples must still go through the recovery phases to effectively heal.

Cost

The program is designed for couples with and without addiction issues. You will need to set up a phone consultation appointment to discuss pricing. This conversation will give us an opportunity to decide if this program is a good fit for you.

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