Affair Recovery

Are you currently in a marriage crisis? Marriage is difficult because it contains two imperfect people. If you are reaching out for help, you have come to the right place.

One of the most painful revelations is that your spouse or significant other has been involved with another — in person or virtually. The experience of finding out is traumatic for everyone involved. Once what has happened comes out, everything changes. After the discovery, many people who cheat on their spouses report feeling less stress since they no longer have to keep the secret. But unfortunately, that stress is transferred directly to the betrayed spouse.

Just as with any addiction, an affair is a clinical issue. With an affair, the betrayed spouse is traumatized and stricken with anxiety and depression. In order to keep the damage from this experience from infecting all of your relationships throughout the rest of your life, it is really important to get professional help to work through these issues. Many couples make it through the affair, but they live their lives shackled to the hurt and mistrust that arose from the affair throughout the rest of their marriage.

Much like a headache, an affair is a symptom of a larger problem. An affair provides a couple an opportunity to address some deeper issues that have gone unaddressed in the marriage. Clinical assessment can help determine the individual and relational challenges lying at the root of the affair. An affair is an opportunity for personal and marital growth.

Too many couples throw in the towel before they realize the potential of the affair to produce the change they have been praying for in themselves and in their marriage. Obviously, an affair breaks the marital vow — but that doesn’t have to be the end of the marriage. Why just throw away all that you have built to just start over again if you don’t have to? Allow your affair to become a part of your story and not the end of your story.

Another important reason to seek help through an affair is that affair recovery is fraught with a multiplicity of landmines that would derail your progress. Having a professional available to answer your questions and to help calm you down when you need it provides the support you need to keep from making even more mistakes and causing more damage for you to heal from.

Are you ready to save your marriage, have a better marriage, and become better people?

Can Joe Help Us?

It is important to select a therapist who has experience helping couples work through affairs, addictions, and other marital challenges, and who you feel comfortable talking to. Many have been able to find that comfort in me. I have helped many couples from diverse backgrounds.

Each couple and each affair is different. Each couple works through these phases in their own time frame. The objective of the program is to assist the couple in developing new habits and avoiding the pitfalls in recovery. The progress through these phases is not always in a straight line, as many times couples drop back to revisit a previous phase. Without intervention, it is very unlikely a couple will successfully navigate through these phases without getting rid of unresolved issues, which will ultimately limit their future happiness together.

This program helps couples avoid the crippling effects of an affair. Many couples get stuck in a particular phase for years prior to seeking help. Many times, recovery requires restarting from Phase 2. When a previous affair from many years before is revealed, couples must still go through the recovery phases to effectively heal.

This program is right for you if you can answer these statements affirmatively:

• Both of you are committed to working on your marriage
• Both of you are open to traditional Christian values (You don’t have to be a Christian)
• The husband or wife has broken the other’s trust and is willing to enter addiction recovery therapy if necessary
• The betrayed spouse has issued an ultimatum to the betrayer to discontinue the destructive behaviors or to end the marriage
• Both of you are open to at least a year in therapy (Affair recovery is a marathon, not a sprint)
• Both of you are committed to the financial and time commitment required

Many couples come to me desiring to figure out whether they should stay together or not. That is a very important question to answer. Many times, one has already decided to end the marriage and the other is begging them to reconsider. And then there are cases where both have declared their commitment to preserve their marriage but are seeking help to do so. Whichever your case may be, I am committed to helping you reach your goals.

Program Components

What do you usually hear when people explain why they got divorced? Isn’t it “He/she cheated on me”?

But this is not the whole story. The truth is that cheating is most often the symptom of marital problems — and not the cause. And marital problems are symptoms of personal problems. Too often couples focus on the cheating and not the other underlying issues. Successful treatment comes from understanding and resolving the underlying issues.

There are four parts to clinical intervention:

• Helping the couple cope with the immediate trauma
• Helping the couple understand the factors that made them vulnerable to the affair
• Helping the couple resolve the individual issues (unproductive patterns) interfering with relationship success
• Helping the couple rebuild the marital relationship

I employ four strategies to help couples recover from their affair:

• Non-judgmental and Positive Therapy

Marriage therapy engages couples in a dialogue that leads to positive individual and relationship change. Individual therapy challenges the personal perspectives that seem to interfere with building a successful marriage. Therapy seeks to spark new life in couple communication while eradicating old destructive patterns and behaviors. In therapy you will learn how to communicate effectively, resolve conflict, and manage your emotions. 

• Assessments and Educational Curriculum 

Throughout treatment, the couple works through the assessments, textbooks, and online curriculum that provide additional instruction and reinforce what is being learned. The material is meant to enhance learning and facilitate change. Couples will come back to these resources time and time again throughout their marriage and often share them to help other couples.  

• Group therapy

The opportunity to develop new relationships and get positive feedback and encouragement from other couples is just another way to ensure new patterns are established and maintained in the relationship. In addition to group therapy, couples get the opportunity to enjoy each other socially. The shared community experiences enhances the possibility of positive change in each couple. Same gender group sessions are pivotal in gaining peer support and developing productive patterns of relating to others — especially your spouse.

The program is designed for couples who have decided to save their marriage after the affair. Couples who have not yet decided to stay in the marriage or are dealing with a non-participating partner issues will need a few sessions of therapy before they are ready for the program.

Here are the five most critical milestones a couple must achieve to recover from an affair.

1. The betrayer takes responsibility for the affair and for doing his/her part in rebuilding the trust of the betrayed.
2. The couple commits to rebuilding their marriage.
3. The betrayed forgives the betrayer and grants them the opportunity to regain their trust.
4. The personal issues negatively impacting the marriage are resolved.
5. The couple commits to participating in one another’s personal growth journey and maintaining a sizzling hot marriage.

Newton’s third law of motion illustrates what it takes to effectively overcome an affair. Your affair will require an equal and opposite reaction to change the tide in your marriage. The affair or sexual addiction has pulled you apart. Restoration will require a concerted effort that is intense and persistent. Recovery requires a tremendous amount of positive energy to counteract the negative messages an affair or sexual addition establishes in the mind of the betrayed and the betrayer. This recovery program is designed to bring that positive energy to your relationship.

The program requires two huge commitments. First, there is a financial commitment, and then there is a time commitment. Can you commit to focusing on rebuilding your marriage for the next 12 months? Are you open to sharing your business with a caring, confidential clinician? Are you prepared to make a financial investment in your marriage? Do you have the time to commit to weekly therapy sessions? Are you open to building relationships with other couples going through similar challenges?

To be included in a cohort of couples, the couple must have achieved the first two milestones of recovery. 

This program will require boldness on your part. Working with a therapist who can coach you along this difficult road can be a very rewarding experience for both of you.

The Seven Steps to Recovery