I know how it is for a man to live in this world and I want to provide my son the opportunity to advance and if he is confronted with an obstacle, he can withstand without his parents! My wife believes that I’m too hard on him and steps in every time I discipline him! She doesn’t understand the obstacles that men face everyday! How can I prove to her that being soft on him will only hurt him in the future?
Children need to feel loved. This is accomplished when parents are able to show them kindness while teaching them right from wrong. I don’t believe that you have to be cruel to teach right from wrong. I think that some people are simply mean and ugly to others. They really have learned to get others to do what they want them to do by bullying. Now the sad thing about this parenting style is that it is passed down to the next generation. The idea that I have to toughen a child up so that he can survive in this tough world is misconceived. In other words this person is saying, I have to injure my child so that he/she can be strong enough to handle the injuries others will heap upon them. I really believe that the most well adjusted adults come from homes with parents who practiced positive parenting. Many parents only interact with their children on negative terms. You don’t have to be stern to be firm. I really don’t believe spankings and yelling are ever necessary in raising children into moral and responsible adults. I remember a teacher in High School who was as sweet as pie but as hard as a rock when it came to her rules and expectations of us. We loved her and were motivated to do well in her class. Because she cared and we knew her boundaries. The truth is that you do more for your child by having a few common sense rules with common sense consequences than you will being that hard nose parent who doesn’t give an inch.
Now the other issue that you are asking with your question is how we as a couple will discipline and raise our boy? It is very important for a child to develop without confusion. So many homes are filled with dysfunction and confusion. Husbands and wives frequently fight over how to raise the child. One parent virtually erasing what the other parent has done. The poor child. I think couples need to be in agreement when raising children. Children are smart enough to learn how to avoid accountability when parents can’t agree on the rules and consequences. I think this actually creates irresponsible children. Much like the parents. I believe that a man child needs both parents. Not just his father. Many times one parent demeans what the other parent is doing when both offer something invaluable to their child. Sometimes one parent is a little off base or extreme in their ideas. You can’t change your spouse. You can only change you. Focus on the behaviors you can change. You will do more for your child working through your marital conflict than creating an tense stressful environment and even divorce for your child. Spend time with your child. Love them. Correct them when they are wrong and affirm them when they are right. Apologize when you make mistakes. Set a good example for them. Don’t worry about them being soft or weak. Every child has a different personality. Love them for who they are and support them throughout life. Remember the only person you can change is yourself. You can only influence others. Learn how to influence your child positively.
I urge couples to sit down and list out the rules and expectations they have for their child. Determine what adjustments to those expectations need to be made before agreeing on the final list. Then determine reward and punishment consequences that would motivate each particular child. Each child has their own currency and it is vitally important for parents to speak in that currency. Learn their love language and use it to shape the child in positive ways. Once parents have developed their system the task is to now be consistent in implementing the system.
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